Becca Lantry holds an MA in Counseling and Education and an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from San Diego State University. She works with youth, young adults, and families around confidence, love, relationships, and empowerment. Becca has been taking Jubilance for the last few months and she is able to love herself more during those times of emotional PMS because of it.
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Alice: Hi, Becca! Welcome!
Becca: Hi! Thank you.
Alice: We’re so excited to have you back on the podcast.
Becca: Thank you so much for having me.
Alice: So for all of you listening, Becca Lantry was one of the first people that we had on Weekly Woman and now she’s back to kind of talk about her life now and life after the pandemic, life having a kid, being a working mom. She also writes every week or once a month, actually, for the Jubilee, which you guys can check out her awesome columns. And speaking of, what is your latest column about?
Becca: Yeah. So I love writing for the Jubilee. It’s a lot of fun. My latest column is about caring for yourself as we’re transitioning into summer. So some mental health, mental wellness-related tips on that.
Alice: Oh, that is great and something that we really need. This heat coming on.
Becca: Yeah. I feel it.
Alice: Yeah. And as you know, it’s Mother’s Day month. What were you guys doing to celebrate?
Becca: Yeah. Well, I really really enjoyed and still am enjoying Mother’s Day month. I got to take my daughter swimming for the first time and it was so much fun. She got that, I know, I’ve got Esti to splash around in her little tankini and just loved it. We had a really sweet brunch together and just kind of like to hang out and spend some intentional time. It was really, really nice and I got to sleep in, which is like a big deal. So yeah, I really am enjoying Mother’s Day month so far, too, especially as you know, pieces are opening up also, and getting to really enjoy that time with Esti. Yeah.
Alice: Awesome. And for everyone, her daughter’s name is Esti, which is the cutest name ever. Can you talk a little bit about having a baby in COVID times? Like what a crazy landscape to be in.
Becca: Yeah. Yeah, sure. I wrote a little bit about it, too, for the Jubilee, which you can check out. Yeah. So it was crazy. I was in the last trimester of my pregnancy when COVID hit and a lot of ideas about how I thought the pregnancy and the birth and having a baby where I thought how they would go did not go as planned, which was something that I just kind of got shifted again of like, “Okay, time to readjust.” So is pretty isolating, especially considering my history. This pregnancy with Esti was considered high risk because of my previous pregnancy and birth. And so I really was inside like no grocery shopping, nothing. Nothing except for like one walk a day. I was really hyper-vigilant to make sure that nothing and no one could cross this bubble barrier. And so Devon, my husband, and I were just inside.
Thankfully, just before I had Esti, our daughter, her name is Esther. We’ve got Esti for short and that kind of stick. A little bit before the hospital said we could have a partner in the room, so I was really excited to at least have one person and went from thinking, I was going to have to give birth alone to be able to have my husband. And so it was a huge relief, even though I missed the people that I wished I would have had my mom and sister there. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. And also we got to be a nice opportunity for us to just really get to know one another as a family and as parents and kind of give ourselves the opportunity to do it on our own. I know a lot of people had to do it by themselves. A lot of women had babies. A lot of people have babies during this time and although it was scary and isolating, there was like the sense of community that I had. I was on a chat group for pregnant people at the time, and I was like, “What are you doing?” There’s this grasping for a community that I still had and so try to find it wherever we could. FaceTiming with friends. I know, Devon’s sister was in town and she actually watched our dogs while we had Esti. Shout out to Auntie Lauren. And not even being able to be in the house at the same time as Lauren when we’re bringing the baby in because of all of these standing back. “Here’s your niece. Hello.” Having Lauren outside and us being inside and not knowing what to do. So it’s crazy to say the least.
There were a lot of things, human needs that weren’t met by being in isolation, and a lot of things that I’m sure a lot of new parents don’t know what they’re doing. I didn’t know what I was doing and so the panic that sets in of like knowing, “Oh my gosh. I really don’t have anyone that can come over right now and show me how to do this.” This is wild. And also I was kind of I know how to do this from some kind of coding and my body so let’s figure it out. I did have a lot of help like to give Esti her first bath at home. We video chatted with my mom and we got a little tripod and Devon’s mom. And we had like a little, you know, we had be, “Okay. Is this right?” And my mom would be like, “Hold the baby up. Let me see.” We adapted on video. So yeah, that was a lot but it was intense and it’s still kind of intense. Esti’s about to turn one. And we’re barely kind of getting our feet wet in terms of like how to exist on the outside. So yeah, it’s a lot. It’s a lot there.
Alice: Yeah. Yeah. I remember when Lauren and Alana, Becca’s sisters-in-law. Yeah, that’s the term. When they were visiting and they had to sit outside the glass and you guys would be inside and they would be in your backyard. I remember those stories and just like, how we had to do everything during COVID was just so absurd and crazy and I guess it’s still happening, even if you no longer have to wear masks, which is crazy.
Becca: Yeah.
Alice: Did that happen in California, too?
Becca: Insane. Yeah. I think the mask mandates getting lifted June 15th. Some places are low like it’s kind of up in the air. Like there’s a lot of misinformation. But I think like California, we won’t have to wear masks as of June 15th, which is exciting.
Alice: Wow.
Becca: Yeah, exactly a year after we had Esti. So it’s a little intense.
Alice: Oh, that’s wonderful. And how is Esti doing now? She’s turning one year old.
Becca: Yes. In a few weeks, she’ll be 1. It’s very exciting. She’s doing really well. We’re really thankful. I’m really thankful that she turned out okay like, amidst everything, I was really nervous about her not knowing how to like be a kid because all we have are these 2 dogs and us inside. She didn’t have like the normal, you know, we didn’t go to playgroups. She didn’t see the outside world. But considering all that, she’s incredible. She’s super social. We go for walks and she waves to everyone. She’s cruising now so means she’s getting ready to walk. So she hangs on and takes little steps. She stands and claps. She says a couple of words which is amazing.
Alice: What doe she say?
Becca: So she points to everything to identify something that she wants. She says “mama,” which like obviously I was a puddle when that happened for the first time. She says “bamba,” which is a snack, like a peanut snack that she eats. That was her second word. It’s like a peanut snack you get babies to help them not be allergic to peanut butter. So, mama first, then bamba, then dada. So her priorities of snack and parent.
Alice: Food.
Becca: Yeah, of course. She was up there, the priorities. She also says “wawa” for water. She like point to water. She calls my mom. She calls her “Bubba.” So she says Bubba, too. My niece is Lila so she did “Lila.” So she has good chunk of words. She repeats. She also barks at- .
Alice: Oh my gosh. Can you please tell that story? It’s amazing.
Becca: Sure. Yeah. So because of COVID, Esti didn’t really get to get socialized with other babies or kids outside of our 2 lovely dogs. We have a dog named Glenn and Alan. So every time a package would come or groceries get delivered, the dogs bark at the door. That’s kind of the only time they really bark. And so, that’s what Esti was exposed to, in terms of like communication. And so out of nowhere, one day, the dogs bark. And then we just hear “rrr-rrr.” And I’m like, “Devon, did you just growl?” And he’s like, “No. That wasn’t me.” And I look down, Esti’s in her little playing bed and she’s growling back at the dogs. So Esti will bark and growl after the dogs bark because she thinks she’s one of them. I’m really, “Does our daughter think she’s a dog?” I’m not really sure what’s going on because when she gets a toy she puts it in her mouth and goes like this, like a dog does. She growls. I’m pretty sure if she have a tail, she wagged it. So Esti might think she’s a dog. And I don’t know if it’s something we’re ready to correct yet or if ever because it’s really cute.
Alice: I want to be a dog.
Becca: Yeah. I mean, especially one of our dogs, they have a great life.
Alice: But it’s just so cute. Oh my gosh.
Becca: Yeah.
Alice: And the world is starting to open up. Have you guys ventured for? Gone anywhere with Esti?
Becca: Yes. So like I mentioned before, we took her swimming. There’s a pool that’s not like at our apartment condo complex. It’s like up the street. So we went there. I took her on a little date actually this week. We went to lunch together. I had the afternoon off. We went on a mom, like a mama-baby date, which was something I was very excited to do pre-COVID. We sat outside and had lunch together and had like matching little salmon dishes and just sat next to her. Yeah, I know. I liked it. It was very exciting. So I was looking forward to that. We took Esti to the zoo.
Alice: Oh, wow.
Becca: San Diego Zoo. Yeah. That was a big-
Alice: Did she love it?
Becca: She loved it. She absolutely loved it. She pointed. There’s like a little river. We went with Devon’s dad, her Grandpa Jim, and Grandma Linda and Uncle Ted. We went with them. It was great. She saw like a little waterfall thing and she pointed to it and went, “Wawa.” She loved the animals. I know. We both lost it over the meerkats. They’re my favorite. She has this little like giraffe hat that we got her. And I have giraffe hat. We have matching giraffe hats.
Alice: Oh my God.
Becca: Yeah. So those are the places so far. We took her out at a restaurant and outside and then we went to the zoo. So that was exciting. We got to visit some of my family. We got to go to Los Angeles. She got to be there, too.
So it was exciting being fully vaccinated. I was really lucky because I’m a therapist to be able to be in one of the groups, the first groups here in San Diego. So, I was fully vaccinated and thankfully was able to give her some breast milk at the time. So she was able to get some immunities like based on the mother’s [inaudible]. So I feel pretty comfortable getting out there now that we’re like reaching a little bit more level of comfort. Yeah.
Alice: Yeah. Great. Oh wow. Yeah, that’s so good that you were able to get vaccinated early on.
Becca: Yeah. Yeah, I’m really lucky. So yeah, we’re thankful that everyone else is getting there, too, or as many people as possible. If you haven’t gotten vaccinated and you have the opportunity to, please get vaccinated if you can.
Alice: And this year has been like so crazy. But there have also been some good moments, too. What has been your favorite memory of this year? I mean, having your daughter.
Becca: Gosh. Yeah. That’s a big one. I feel like I should say that, for sure. I think that and like really kind of coming into my own as a mom and as a professional like really kind of getting to know myself there, that was a big moment for me. It’s still it’s an ongoing moment. Hundred percent. I was also able to get a job during a pandemic which others were not very lucky, lucky few. And so yeah, that happened. So that was a beautiful moment. And like the little pieces here and there too that without this isolation, my family, my little like the 3 of us would not be able to have. I mean, with all of the moments. Yeah. We would have missed out on so much more. I mean, like Devon not having a commute. Just those two out, you know, an hour or so each way, like being able to be like, “Okay. I’m done working just come down for dinner and have it.” Like having those little moments together, I think have been really, really special and joyous for me. Hundred percent.
Alice: That’s great. You know, something that you’re so good at as a therapist and like being together with Devon and your little family, this whole year is like your relationship. I know a lot of people have been struggling with that in this time when we’re constantly together. Would you have any advice for other couples going through it? I know we’re finally able to see other people.
Becca: Yeah, sure. Hundred percent. Yeah. I still know a few who are like not feeling totally comfortable getting out there and that’s okay. I mean, we’ve been living our lives this way. It makes total sense to move however you’re comfortably to so that caveat also. This advice might hit. I mean, I can share kind of like what we’re doing and offering maybe a tip. Take it or leave it here. My biggest thing would be intentionality. I know it’s easier said than done but being really intentional. And when I say that, I mean, even if you’re already stuck together, kind of framing it in a way where you’re choosing to be stuck together, if that’s what you’re choosing. If you’re like, in this house, in this apartment, in this space and you’re working in the same space, living the same, like just doing everything in the same space, children, not pets, it’s going to get overwhelming for anyone. I know it’s gotten overwhelming for us, too.
The biggest thing that’s really helped has been intentional together time and intentional separate time. Even if it means, I mean, technically we live in a townhouse. So we have a story that can, you know, a level that can separate and 2 bedrooms. So we’re very fortunate to have some space where even if it’s like intentionally, “Hey, I’m going to go read in the other room,” Estee’s nap, like something. Our work time is intentional. We’re separate. So carving out that time and really being intentional about it. I’ve said that a billion times already but it was so important for us being able to kind of have a schedule. Me about our week, what’s coming up and say like, “Okay. Tomorrow night, let’s actively choose to watch that show together. Let’s have dinner and we’ll sit down by the couch.” And after that, that’s when we’re going to be together or not, or this is one we’re going to have our big cleanup day. Something like that are just kind of taking the power over, taking it back from a situation where we might be feeling powerless to our circumstance of needing to be with somebody, not just but because of all the context going around us.
Alice: Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. And I think that’s something that you put in one of your earlier articles, too, of the Jubilee from this year was you showed your calendar – you and Devon’s calendar. That was really helpful. You have a whole white board and you write everyday, when you’re free, what you’re doing, which I think is really lovely and kind of gives like a perspective of how we should be or how we could structure our days together or not.
Becca: Yeah, totally. The writing of the calendar is not for everyone. I know that like for me, it really is helpful to quell my own anxiety when I know exactly what’s in front of me. Like if I’m just kind of surrendering to the day and I don’t know what time it is, that’s kind of when I feel most on edge. That can be a pretty common feeling. So knowing from this time to this time, I have this and this time is free time. Yes, it’s pretty rigid. And to be totally honest with you, that was in March when we shared that calendar. Probably by December, the calendar was looking a little looser. Realistically. And also it was important. The ritual itself of carving out that piece kind of gave me a semblance of order in the chaos.
Alice: Yeah. Yeah. I think that’s really cool and very helpful.
Becca: Thank you.
Alice: Yeah. You are a marriage and family therapist. Can you talk a little bit about being a therapist in the pandemic and getting this job and being a working mom?
Becca: Yeah, thanks. I know, yeah. Well, I’m ready. So, I am technically a marriage and family therapist associate. So meaning, I’m not licensed yet in the state of California. I actually just passed a big exam. That’s this past weekend. The law and ethics exam. Yeah, I know it’s really big deal.
Alice: Congratulations!
Becca: Thank you, thank you. Yeah. So I have one more exam and I asked to meet some hours in order to get my license which probably a couple of years away from that. But yes, I’m a marriage and family therapist associate meaning that I’m under the supervision of a licensed MFT. And I love the work. I graduated in 2020 for my graduate program and my graduation ceremony is actually next week. They’re actually having it so I get to really walk but even though I’ve been graduated for over a year.
So I love it. I am really enjoying the work that I get to do with clients. Right now, I’m mostly working with some individuals. I’m able to work with families and couples and children. I love working with kiddos and families. So when that opportunity comes up, I’m all in it. I really enjoy the work. It’s interesting.
I became employed in December. So we were a solid many months into COVID. I had Estee, needed to recover pieces, needed to kind of get life in order a little bit. There also some logistical things like you need to register as an associate with a state. There’s some like you have to submit that you graduate. There’s a lot of logistical pieces that needed to clear before I could actually legally get employed as a therapist. There are some steps you have to take there, which I won’t get into.
So that happened. Mom life kind of settled in. And I’m like, I need to also do the work that I’m trying to do. This is something that is fitting for me. And it was all on Telehealth. I could kind of make my own hours. So I’m really fortunate to have gotten a part-time position at a clinic at a nonprofit that I actually like dreamed about working at in grad school. It was started by my mentor in grad school and I was like, if I’m manifesting what I want for my life, this is where I’m at. They practice the way I like to practice. They have a sliding scale of affordable services for those in the community. It’s a non-profit. And so this is where I want to be. I mean, we didn’t have to arrange for childcare because I could see clients in the evening when Devon’s not working. It works perfectly, right?
So it was one of those like, “Oh my gosh. Is this real life or in a pandemic? I’m kind of meeting my dream thing here.” And yeah it was. It is. I have like a client load about 10 folks a week. It’s not big, but I really love it and I’m trying to hit all the marks there. We talked about all kinds of things. This is my space. This is like my office where I see clients, and it’s all on Telehealth. Thankfully, we haven’t been needing to go in. I know there are so many frontline mental health workers that have gone into spaces. I’m really fortunate that I didn’t need to and that we’re fully Telehealth until further notice. I mean, that might change soon with regulations changing and everything and vaccinations changing. However, for now I’m here and I love it. I absolutely love it.
Alice: Yeah. That’s so great. You get so much more time with your family that way and working at home and being able to have lunch together.
Becca: Yeah, yeah. It’s really nice. Being the whole working mom thing, it’s definitely, to answer that part. It’s definitely an adjustment, for sure. Working as a marriage and family therapist, stuff comes up, right? There are things where I kind of need to balance my own physiology, my own like kind of checking some pieces out the door and used to into my training, my previous training, I would be in an in-person setting. I worked at a high school and a community clinic. And I would have a drive home to be like, “Okay. Today was hard. So rewarding. So meaningful. Also hard.” Time to take my therapist hat off and go home to live and cook dinner and have Becca as a human here. I’m a human in the therapy room but non-therapist.
So I don’t have that drive anymore. So being a working mom, I’ve had to carve in systems of like, yes, we have a floor separating us. That intentionality comes in there, too, where I know I’m not done seeing clients until I take in my lap around the block. Like I have to go for a walk to kind of clear my head. Then it’s dinner and bedtime with Estee and I can get back to her.
So it’s been an interesting balance. It’s also just made me really appreciate what every parents, possible parent mom, dad in some, and circumstances also have to do to accommodate being able to work and raise a child. It’s not totally easy. It’s not. It takes a lot of energy, but in my it seems really worth it to be able to kind of maintain that balance there as much as I can.
Alice: Wonderful. Yeah. I think that idea is like intentionality and like giving yourself that self-care you need, that ritual before you come back into the space of just being a mom and the partner. That’s really helpful and interesting.
Becca: Yeah. Yeah. There’s this imagery that I have to of. So I usually always wear dangly earrings as part of I don’t know what it is. It’s like I can’t be like full blazer at home setting. I don’t know why. I can’t really adapt to the full professional gear. So I’ll put my earrings on, right? But Estee really loves earrings. She’ll yank on me. She’s very curious. And so part of my ritual is like, okay, I get out of my counselor cardigans as I called it. I get out out of my cardigans[?], my dress. I’ll get on my stretchy pants immediately. Still have my hair done, makeup done, and these dangly earrings. And sometimes I forget. I got my lap. I come back then I’m like, oh I remember now. Estee’s pulling my earrings. But I have to. I always remember the time. The transition time is delineated by me taking out my dangly earrings.
Alice: Interesting. Yeah. But it’s great and cool that you have this like sort of ritual that gets you there.
Becca: Yeah.
Alice: Yeah. Becca, is there anything else you’d like to add to our listeners today?
Becca: Not anything that I could totally think of. Just maybe a little tidbit as things are getting more back to normal or whatever you might want to call it. Like I mentioned a little bit earlier before, stay to your comfort zone. Be gentle with yourself. Remind yourself that you can take the time you need. If things are feeling overwhelming being out in places, you can go home. You’re allowed. You can leave. If you’re in these social settings, your friends will understand if you need a minute. Your friend, like people who love you will understand if you need time to get back in slowly. And if you want to go head first and dive in like cannonball into the pool of pre-COVID life, go for it safely. Just know that like now follow your preferences. So that’s I guess what I have to say there. Yeah.
Alice: Yeah. I think that’s so helpful. Follow your preferences. Intentionality. This has been so great, Becca. Thank you so much for being on the show.
Becca: Thank you, Alice, for having me. I appreciate it.
